lost in the essence of adrenaline

I'm laying here in bed about to fall asleep, and a thought jolted me awake. What if everything I've ever gone through, the places I've been, the things I've learned, come into play at some moment in time, where I realize, shit... This all really was for something. What I'm trying to say, is that if life has a point outside our normal day in and day out, then maybe we would embrace each day, and each moment with that much more importance. The way we treat one another, the way we receive failure and defeat, and how we embrace the joys... What if. I was wondering why I'm living in Montana. I know I won't be here for long, and I don't see myself living here for more than a year, but what if. I'm not saying that everything happens for a reason, what I'm saying is that it's reasonable to say that things happen, and for some reason, there will come a point where two perpendicular line collide, where the universe explodes and life makes more sense than it ever did before. Friendships, education, goals, plans, morals... Is it just the hope in me, or is it logical to think this way. As abstract as the world is, is it to abstract to hold a thought such as this? I have read the communist manifesto, dived into C.S. Lewis, explored nature, created music, and found myself enveloped in the world around. I have seen my ship sinking, and felt completely hopeless and helpless at times. I've yet to reach an emotional pinnacle, but who's to say if that is true, knowing what I know, and experiencing what I've experienced. I thought back to middle school, high school, and the various colleges, and found that I have learned a lot. What drives us to perservere, and push on. Is it this lost world of hope, that a pinnacle will be reached in all aspects of life, or is it something inside me saying, there must be more. I do not know, but I do know one thing. Without the low's in life I would not have realized how good I have felt at other times. I think we take for granted how good things are sometimes. I believe I have. Is this the reason for my downfall? I do not believe so, but is it just mere circumstance, or divine intervention. Our conscience tells us right and wrong, but does it tell us more. I have learned to read, and write, to think, and plan, but have I learned to decipher when I listen, or do I decipher what I believe I'm hearing. How do we know where we are going if we do not have a destination picked out. many people start college with one idea in mind but few actually succeed. Most change their mind. When will that happen for me. I see myself as a nomadic adventurer, who lives the rollercoaster of life with two hands in the air. I find myself taking unnecessary risks just to feel that rush, and yet at times I restrict those instances so that I can exxperience life. But what if life is in this moment and not the one I'm contriving or striving to find. I see myself as one thing, but hold myself back because I feel lost in the essence of adrenaline. We are made up of glands, of blood, veins that pump and lungs that breathe, but for where will this be best... There are many things I do not know but one thing I do know, is that if I ever stop, I may lose it. I have the spirit of jack london, and although I have yet to complete a revolutionary natural novel, I am creating my own with my life. One day someone will write about me, and say, "That was the craziest son of a bitch I've ever known, but he made life fun, and made it make sense although it may not have made sense to him, he gave things more of a meaning than they had before." Things are what they are, but emotions are more than they are. they are the blood of adventure, the adrenaline of the heart that pumps within each individual, and if I do not pump that every day I do a disservice to myself and those I come in contact with. I am passionate and extreme, but I should embody more than I experience if I am to pass on what I know and what I've learned. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but if it makes sense than you will understand why I am writing this, and as you read this your heart should feel something. Your mind should tell you that there is more to a rainbow than meets the eye. The smell of rain, the bright sunlight glistening on drops of dew. There is more, so so much more